I was driving on my way to work when all of the sudden I am stopped by a red-light, like every other day. And I think to myself, " I am tired of this routine! I should walk more often!". I feel like I am part of some experiment. Like the dog in pavlov's experiment- he sound the bell and the dog would salivate- when the light goes green I move, the light go red I stop. It makes me feel trapped because no matter where I go this light is not letting my day flow( which is why I am thankful for the highway). And I feel walking allows me to dictate my own path and gives me a sense of freedom( and it's good for the environment)
I know this may seem stupid, but it's just a random thought based on how I was feeling today. And how am I feeling? Trapped, drowning in humanity's robotic ways. So, make everyday different. Don't let the day move you, move the day! Dictate the day because it's all you can do, even if the outcome can't be foreseen.

Have you ever felt like your life has no more meaning, no more passion, and everyday is just a step to the bottom of the pit? That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. I've been so depressed. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that soon I will feel the drive and the need to succeed. The passion to want to do things to help my dreams of becoming a writer and create movies scripts, movies, and do animation, and sing. There are so many things on my to do list that I just feel overwhelmed and do nothing. I feel I've wasted a lot of times and keep doing so. How can I change this? I want to push myself and I can't. All I do is put myself down and focus on the negative events in my life. No matter how I like to push others to do study because it is one of the most important things in life. And no matter I talk to others about my hopes and dreams I can't seem to find myself in this world. Every single thing makes my life worse and complicate things.
I could blame this on many different things that have happened through my life but I always hear people talk about how you should never blame things on others but yourself. You create your own destiny. But, do you really? Maybe if I had been pushed more, the drive to do things would be there. If I spent more time with my family and friends and not so much by myself. Maybe, for many reasons, If I had or had not done many things my life would not lack in certain areas that are now plaguing my future. The only answer may be to just keep going and to not look back. The past is a box that is dangerous to open because in it lies someone that carried me through tough and wonderful times. I envy that someone because she had many qualities that I hated but with time have come to love. She was happy and sad. Beautiful and mad. That person is not who I am now. That person helped me get here, but for some reason we are now two different people.

There are many unpredictable things to come that may be changed if I structure a plan for my life and try to follow a list, but for now I will let myself be guided by the now because there might not be time for the later. And this is not me giving up on life but enjoying every minute that I can rather than rupturing my brain with worries of the future. Every person and everything that I do is the future and I'm trying to give it my best. Trying, because I know that this cannot be my best.

Phobias (selachophobia)

I had a dream about being in the water with a shark(again). I'm afraid of big fishes, especially sharks, and my fears of being near them when I'm alone still lingers. Unlike some other people with selachophobia, I'm not afraid of getting in the water(most of the times). I can go inside the water in a river, a pool, or the beach. That is when I'm with other people, I've never been in the water by myself for a long period of time because as soon as I think of a shark I need to get out of the water. But, for some weird reason, this doesn't really happen in open water. Yes, I still think a shark might come and bite me, but it is not as great as when I'm in the pool(weird!). Sometimes I'll see a shadow in the pool, or will look inside the water and I freak out.
My fear of big fishes starter with the movie, "Moby Dick", "Orca: The Killer Whale", and "Jaws". After watching those movies I couldn't sleep by myself. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and ran to my grandparents room. I couldn't [and can't] bear being close to a tv monitor, or a computer monitor if there's a shark on it. There was this time, when I was twelve, I was using the computer wanted to change the screen saver and one of them was a shark, so i selected that one, as soon as the shark screen saver went on and ran. And for some reason I love sharks too. Discovery channel has a month dedicated to shark and I love to watch it. If they film the shark to close I change the channel. I don't know why I do this to myself, Ilove the thing I fear.
Sharks are very interesting animals, they're amazing. Sometimes I'll look them up online, but I can't stand to look at them with they mouth open. So, i'll usually ask someone else to come with me and that makes it less scary.
I have a couple of other phobia as well, but sharks would have to be my biggest phobia. I wanted to post a pic on this blog about my phobia, but guess what? I'm afraid I might find a picture of a shark!

Dexter

Dexter is a show on Showtime about a serial killer's life. It premiered about 2 years ago and it's one of the most unique show I've ever seen. The main character, Dexter, is amazing. He is the best serial killer on TV. I just finished watching episode 6 of season 3 and I can't wait for the next episode this Sunday. So, for any of you who haven't seen it, or haven't heard of it I'll post a link for you to watch one of the best shows you'll ever see.
The story revolves around the life of Dexter in season one, and how he came to be. He developed a liking for killing animals when he was younger and that's how it all started. His father, who happens to be a cop who has learned about the psychopathic behavior, gradually discovers Dexter's true personality and helps him satisfy his need in a "healthy" way. And what does he consider "healthy"? Murdering other serial killers, of course. Dexter leads a seemingly "normal" life; will anyone find out what he hides?

Here's a preview of the show's first season on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPORpnPPnDY

If you like it, or if this link doesn't work you can watch the episodes on the following link:

http://www.sidereel.com/Dexter ( Watch it by season, by episode. This website provides several links to watch the show, in case one of them doesn't work)

Where is Fiona Apple?

I don't know if any of you have heard of Fiona Apple, but where the hell is she? (If you don't know who she is google her)
Her last album(Extraordinary Machine) was released on 2005 and she did a few appearances and other stuff but she suddenly disappeared. It sucks because she's such an amazing talent. Her lyrics are wonderful and her voice as well. And today I was looking up the piano tabs for her song " Not About Love" when I thought "I haven't seen anything new of her in a while" and tried to search for anything new that she's doing and found nothing. Her Myspace page still has the old tours she's made last year, but nowhere near where I live so that doesn't count.
She's one of my favorite artists and hopefully she comes out with new songs, new something. She's probably working on something, hopefully.
Ciao for now,
Rayi