Growth

We all learn and grow from our mistakes. We ignore the advise of family and friends and hurt people on the way of making mistakes. There are flaws in all of us and we are bound to hit the lowest of lows as well as the highest of highs. But how can we balance this out? How can we know which advise is the best or which one should be taken or disregarded? I can only pretend to give you the right answer. But no one holds that information and whatever we say it's true to our own opinions, life and perspective.
For example,I have this friend "Tom" and he wants to marry his girlfriend(Casey) of 2 years. He proposed after or before being in the relationship for 1 year. Tom is super romantic and amorous, but he is also a little clueless when it comes to girls. This is his first girlfriend ever and he just turned 21. His girlfriend also cheated on him with her ex-boyfriend (they had sex) and first love, whom she's told that she only feels comfortable and safe and doesn't really love Tom! And Tom is completely and absolutely crazy in love with her!
My other friend, "Jim", thinks he is infatuated with this girl and needs her because he thinks he won't find anybody else. I also think that he does think no one else will like or love him. Jim knows him more than I do and I've known him for over 6 years so I value his opinion. He also thinks that he doesn't love her because when Tom is having problems with Casey he'll tell him that he's INVESTED time on her. Although Jim makes a good point on saying that you don't say that when you love someone I think there is no right way of saying things most of time. I mean, they've been together for 2 years and a few months. Shouldn't they have developed some sort of love by now? Sometimes Jim can be a little too logical and tells me that love is only a chemical in the brain that it's not real. I believe that this may be an extreme way to look at things. I'm not sure if he feels this way cause he has never been in love( he tells me he has) or maybe he's tired of getting his heart broken. Maybe Jim is spending too much time thinking about Tom's relationship with Casey.
Now, this is where I come in. I developed a crush on Tom last year after kissing him at a party while we were both intoxicated. He told me many beautiful things even after the alcohol worn off from both of us. And for some reason he couldn't stop kissing me. After the alcohol began leaving my body I didn't want to kiss him. Anyways, he called me the next morning to ask me out. I felt pressured but said yes. To summarize all the events taken place, he got back with his girlfriend and we didn't talk again. I didn't get in contact with either Jim nor Tom. The things is that Jim had( maybe still has) a crush on me and got really mad I kissed Tom that night. About 6 months later me and Jim start talking again. I ask him about Tom and how he was doing. He seemed to only say negative things about him, sort of to make him seem unattractive to me. That didn't really matter to me because after not seeing Tom for a while I wanted to see him again.
I contacted Tom on myspace and he answered, we exchanged a few messages and I told him how I felt that night after we kissed. To date I have no idea why I developed that crush. Maybe because he was a sensitive guy and I like that. Anyways, he told me he'd never felt what he feels for his girlfriend for any other girl except for that night. I guess his relationship with his girlfriend must've been going bad at the time because after a couple of months he got engaged(again) and the couple was going to get their own apartment. I didn't understand why this was happening after so many things had happened between him and his bipolar girlfriend. Tom confessed to me that he used to be so happy before he met her. Everytime I see him he seems worried or depressed. I keep trying to figure out why he keeps going back with that girl and getting into deeper shit with her. Next thing you know she's going to get pregnant.
I do not know this girl. I may have seen her a couple of times but I try not to judge her because I don't know what she's like when spending time with Tom. Everyone of Jim's friend that know her think she's emotional and has many emotional outbursts. That is why I start to sort of get an idea of the person she is, but sometimes I think Jim is being judgemental and exxagerates the truth. Everytime I speak to him he seems to think that only his perspective is right. Which doesn't mean he is wrong about certain things, but doesn't make him a reliable source. I try to see things from everyone's perspective because I've developed this crush on Tom and care about him. And I don't want to advise him to not wed his fiancée and rethink things through. Rethink his whole relationship, his life, his ambitions and goals( which now seem to have vanished after investing so much time into this relationship). But everyone else in his family an his friends think wedding her is a bad idea. His family is against it and don't really like her( Tom has told me this many times). Sometimes your parents oppose things in your life because they see things someone who's in love can't. That's happened in my family many times before. And all of the time the marriage failed( I'm not kidding. All the time!). The women that married my uncle were crazy( literally! One of them even went to a mental ward). And the man that married my aunt the first time cheated on her. And her second husband tried to sexually abuse a minor. All of these men and women my grandmother and grandfather hated. They warned their kids but in the end let them see their own mistakes.
I don't want to be selfish by giving Tom advise that is blinded by my own selfish needs. I don't think it is but sometimes things are disguised and one may not be able to tell. Most likely their marriage is going to end after he sees he can't change her because people never change. They improve things but the core stays the same. And if someone is causing negative changes in you, then they're not the right person.
I think people are going to meet other people that they will fall in love with but that person doesn't love them as much or simple they aren't right for each other. Sometimes it's going to take them long to realize this but soon they will see that they need to leave that person and try new things. It's not going to be easy because getting used to someone it's stronger than love, but if anyone hopes to find the "perfect" fit, they're going to have experience heartbreak, confusion, depression and many more things. I believe in destiny and that all things happen for a reason. And that every puzzle piece falls into it's designated place. We don't have the right answer to any questions so we travel the road to see where it takes us and hope for a better find. Hoping to find the right answer, which inadvertently will be discover one day.

I was driving on my way to work when all of the sudden I am stopped by a red-light, like every other day. And I think to myself, " I am tired of this routine! I should walk more often!". I feel like I am part of some experiment. Like the dog in pavlov's experiment- he sound the bell and the dog would salivate- when the light goes green I move, the light go red I stop. It makes me feel trapped because no matter where I go this light is not letting my day flow( which is why I am thankful for the highway). And I feel walking allows me to dictate my own path and gives me a sense of freedom( and it's good for the environment)
I know this may seem stupid, but it's just a random thought based on how I was feeling today. And how am I feeling? Trapped, drowning in humanity's robotic ways. So, make everyday different. Don't let the day move you, move the day! Dictate the day because it's all you can do, even if the outcome can't be foreseen.

Have you ever felt like your life has no more meaning, no more passion, and everyday is just a step to the bottom of the pit? That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. I've been so depressed. I'm hoping this is just a phase and that soon I will feel the drive and the need to succeed. The passion to want to do things to help my dreams of becoming a writer and create movies scripts, movies, and do animation, and sing. There are so many things on my to do list that I just feel overwhelmed and do nothing. I feel I've wasted a lot of times and keep doing so. How can I change this? I want to push myself and I can't. All I do is put myself down and focus on the negative events in my life. No matter how I like to push others to do study because it is one of the most important things in life. And no matter I talk to others about my hopes and dreams I can't seem to find myself in this world. Every single thing makes my life worse and complicate things.
I could blame this on many different things that have happened through my life but I always hear people talk about how you should never blame things on others but yourself. You create your own destiny. But, do you really? Maybe if I had been pushed more, the drive to do things would be there. If I spent more time with my family and friends and not so much by myself. Maybe, for many reasons, If I had or had not done many things my life would not lack in certain areas that are now plaguing my future. The only answer may be to just keep going and to not look back. The past is a box that is dangerous to open because in it lies someone that carried me through tough and wonderful times. I envy that someone because she had many qualities that I hated but with time have come to love. She was happy and sad. Beautiful and mad. That person is not who I am now. That person helped me get here, but for some reason we are now two different people.

There are many unpredictable things to come that may be changed if I structure a plan for my life and try to follow a list, but for now I will let myself be guided by the now because there might not be time for the later. And this is not me giving up on life but enjoying every minute that I can rather than rupturing my brain with worries of the future. Every person and everything that I do is the future and I'm trying to give it my best. Trying, because I know that this cannot be my best.

Phobias (selachophobia)

I had a dream about being in the water with a shark(again). I'm afraid of big fishes, especially sharks, and my fears of being near them when I'm alone still lingers. Unlike some other people with selachophobia, I'm not afraid of getting in the water(most of the times). I can go inside the water in a river, a pool, or the beach. That is when I'm with other people, I've never been in the water by myself for a long period of time because as soon as I think of a shark I need to get out of the water. But, for some weird reason, this doesn't really happen in open water. Yes, I still think a shark might come and bite me, but it is not as great as when I'm in the pool(weird!). Sometimes I'll see a shadow in the pool, or will look inside the water and I freak out.
My fear of big fishes starter with the movie, "Moby Dick", "Orca: The Killer Whale", and "Jaws". After watching those movies I couldn't sleep by myself. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and ran to my grandparents room. I couldn't [and can't] bear being close to a tv monitor, or a computer monitor if there's a shark on it. There was this time, when I was twelve, I was using the computer wanted to change the screen saver and one of them was a shark, so i selected that one, as soon as the shark screen saver went on and ran. And for some reason I love sharks too. Discovery channel has a month dedicated to shark and I love to watch it. If they film the shark to close I change the channel. I don't know why I do this to myself, Ilove the thing I fear.
Sharks are very interesting animals, they're amazing. Sometimes I'll look them up online, but I can't stand to look at them with they mouth open. So, i'll usually ask someone else to come with me and that makes it less scary.
I have a couple of other phobia as well, but sharks would have to be my biggest phobia. I wanted to post a pic on this blog about my phobia, but guess what? I'm afraid I might find a picture of a shark!

Dexter

Dexter is a show on Showtime about a serial killer's life. It premiered about 2 years ago and it's one of the most unique show I've ever seen. The main character, Dexter, is amazing. He is the best serial killer on TV. I just finished watching episode 6 of season 3 and I can't wait for the next episode this Sunday. So, for any of you who haven't seen it, or haven't heard of it I'll post a link for you to watch one of the best shows you'll ever see.
The story revolves around the life of Dexter in season one, and how he came to be. He developed a liking for killing animals when he was younger and that's how it all started. His father, who happens to be a cop who has learned about the psychopathic behavior, gradually discovers Dexter's true personality and helps him satisfy his need in a "healthy" way. And what does he consider "healthy"? Murdering other serial killers, of course. Dexter leads a seemingly "normal" life; will anyone find out what he hides?

Here's a preview of the show's first season on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPORpnPPnDY

If you like it, or if this link doesn't work you can watch the episodes on the following link:

http://www.sidereel.com/Dexter ( Watch it by season, by episode. This website provides several links to watch the show, in case one of them doesn't work)

Where is Fiona Apple?

I don't know if any of you have heard of Fiona Apple, but where the hell is she? (If you don't know who she is google her)
Her last album(Extraordinary Machine) was released on 2005 and she did a few appearances and other stuff but she suddenly disappeared. It sucks because she's such an amazing talent. Her lyrics are wonderful and her voice as well. And today I was looking up the piano tabs for her song " Not About Love" when I thought "I haven't seen anything new of her in a while" and tried to search for anything new that she's doing and found nothing. Her Myspace page still has the old tours she's made last year, but nowhere near where I live so that doesn't count.
She's one of my favorite artists and hopefully she comes out with new songs, new something. She's probably working on something, hopefully.
Ciao for now,
Rayi